It happens out of nowhere sometimes. I'll be in the middle of making dinner and I think of her. A walk in the park, a song, a tv commercial or just the way the wind blows; something, at least once a day, reminds me of her.
Most times I'm ok. But other times, it hits me like a bus. Funny thing, memories. It's been three years and they still know how to creep up on me, ones that I've likely forgotten about or haven't thought about in years.
Sometimes they make me laugh or help me to find a little peace in my day. An odd time it fills me with grief and I relive those last moments as vividly as if it were happening right now.
Having someone taken from you is...hard. Watching it unfold right in front of your eyes, knowing any day you might have to let them go...much harder. It can make you stronger but there's no doubting the fact that death robs you like a cowardly thief in the night. And you can never quite fill that space. There's always a hole, an emptiness you can always feel.
It is slowly getting easier; living without her. Time heals? Not really. But it's a matter of learning how to deal better, and that comes in time. I have figured out what works best for me, what helps me get through the day without wallowing in self pity. I don't take it out on anyone. I don't expect anything from anyone except a little patience, respect and understanding.
It's a process. It's different for us all. The fact is, an entire family can grieve the loss of one person and not one of them can know exactly how the other is feeling. It's an experience that is so personal it can't even be rationalized or put into words.
A great loss is something you couldn't possibly understand until you've experienced it firsthand. When you, yourself, have loved and lost and mourned. However it seems, for some, to be very easy to form an opinion about something they know nothing about. So before you become one of those people and crush someone you love that is grieving, I'd like to tell you this one thing.
There is no proper way to grieve, no proper time frame, no correct way to deal with how you feel. Most of us don't choose to cry or choose to be sad, if anything we would choose quite the opposite. The most we can hope for is to overcome the sadness, to no longer feel that loss, to fill that emptiness inside. To have someone by our side who will love us and be there for us, no matter what.
But in the end, it is what it is.
Life is filled with shit we don't like. Sometimes people don't deal with that shit the way you would like them to. Push past that, and be there for them anyways. They need you, even if they can't say it.