Friday, November 12, 2010

Happy fishing!

So, I’ve been single. For a long time. Too long, my friends keep pointing out to me. Thanks, by the way, for the obvious reminders of my fear of letting go of the past and moving on. I know you mean well and I’m well aware of all the things I need to change in my life, but these aren’t small things. They take more than getting up in the morning and looking in the mirror and saying ‘I love myself, I’m worth it’. Voila! Things are instantly better. No. Sadly, the things I’ve been through don’t just go away. OK, I’m not saying I’m the only person to have a marriage fail. But surely it affects everyone differently. It’s taken me a while to get through the pain and loss; a waste of nine years of my life that I will never get back. But I’m working through it with the help of some really great friends...and alcohol (which I’ve decided wasn’t such a great idea).

So about a year ago, to quiet the incessant urging of my friends to get back on the horse, I reluctantly joined an online dating site. Took the time to fill out my profile as honestly as I could and picking just the right pictures so as to look 'dateable' but not desperate. It was right about then that I learned how terrible I am at selling myself. However, within an hour my inbox was flooded with messages. I skimmed through them, one by one. Looking at the message, their profile, their pictures.

This is where it all went downhill for me. Please take it as constructive criticism if you fall into one of these categories.
*It’s alarming how many people really should use spell check.
*If you can’t spell your profession, you should have chosen a different one.
*That picture of you standing 40 feet away next to a tree with 2 of your your only profile    picture...stellar choice.
*You look a lot like Brad Pitt...wait that picture IS Brad Pitt!
*If your ‘looking for’ status is long term relationship, try to have a picture of yourself not completely engorged into another woman’s  face/breasts.
*Messages that consist of “Hey sexy” cannot possibly get you a decent response.
*If you plan on sending a message, try reading the person’s profile first. Trust me...we know if you haven’t.

There were, however, several guys that peaked my interest but I always get those red flags. You know what I’m talking about. Something that is said or done that just doesn’t seem right. Makes you take a step back and say ok...that’s odd. Well, you can’t really pinpoint when or if it’s going to happen. But I sit back and wait for it, nearly certain that it’s coming.

Here’s an example. Let’s call him Poolguy. I was talking to him for about 3 days, he was cute, seemed normal, had a great career going for him, intelligent. And then....he said he thought I was ‘the one’. My immediate reaction was to run, which I should have done. I mean...really?! The one for what?! I’m not the one for anything. I told him he was a really nice guy and that he certainly would not have a problem finding a girlfriend, but that I wasn’t the one. In case his show of desperation wasn’t a red flag enough, he then proceeded to call me several things that I don’t think I should repeat in this blog.

Don’t let me deter you from dating sites based on my experiences. They’re a lot of fun...if your idea of fun is meeting crazy delusional people who, if aren’t desperate, only want to get laid. All jokes aside though, there are some really nice people on there. I made a few friends. But it’s not for me. So to all of you that enjoy your online dating...happy hunting, fishing, stalking...whatever.

And as always, comment and subscribe. :)


  1. Hi, I'm Elle,
    You sound interesting, so I hope you don't mind, now I'm a follower of your blog!
    I have never joined a dating site, but all the things you've noted would definitely piss me off, and "Poolguy" is a douche. Seriously "the one"? Whatever...

  2. Hi,

    Since you're single and looking for a guy I'd like to suggest myself! I'm fantastic! I look even better than Brad Pitt, in fact, when Brad goes to the salon he takes a picture of me with him and asks that they do the best they can. (Check this link: I run the triathlon like an elite world class athlete and I have so much money that when I drop some I don't even bother to pick it up. I'm also full of shit, but I really do hope you can find someone nice :)

  3. Elle...thanks for your comment. There were so many more, some that I actually did meet up with in person. Probably way funnier to read about but I try to be conscious of who might be reading my blog so I'll try to play it safe for now. ;)

  4. Maelstrom... I did actually laugh out loud for a second or two there. Too funny. Thanks for your comment.